Earth Logic and Hypochondria

So I’m sitting there going about my usual workday, logging reports, fixing mistakes, complaining to myself, my friend and colleague Vicarious Boat Lady, and really anyone else who will listen about repeated mistakes, and sending feedback (which is much nicer and far more professional than my complaining), while fielding interruptions from people who think “I work at home” means “I am constantly available for whatever inane bullshit you want to throw in front of me,” and trying not to let Farmville eat my soul/paycheck.

Suddenly, the unexpected happens:  A disease I’ve never heard of!  This is exciting!  Off I run to Google and type in a speculative spelling of New Scary Disease… and voila, there it is.  Yay!  I have added to my general knowledge of things that can go wrong with the human body!

Well, I think to myself, I should a) bookmark this page, b) send the link to Vicarious Boat Lady in case she hasn’t heard of it either, and c) read a little more about it.

Earth Logic heartily approves of A and B, but on C makes a noise something like the high-pitched screeching emitted by girls in teen screams (another of my guilty pleasures).  “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” it shrieks.  “DON’T START READING!  GO BACK TO WORK!”

I, of course, blow Earth Logic right off and start researching the signs, symptoms, diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis of New Scary Disease… and after a while Hypochondria rears its ugly head and says, “Hmmm… that sounds like the headache I had last week.  Oh, and dry eyes, I’ve got those too.  Neck pain, yes.”

Of course, Hypochrondria always ignores the fact that what I haven’t got is THE MAIN HUGE OBVIOUS SYMPTOM of New Disease.  And since I practically have to be dragged to the doctor’s office just to get blood work and refill medications, you can bet I’m not going to do the sensible thing and just go find out.

Instead, I’m going to spend the next week or two obsessing on whether or not I have New Scary Disease.  I’ll read and re-read every internet article I can find about it.  I might even buy books about it.  Then I’ll read and re-read those. 

As time goes on, I’ll message eMpTy Boy and tell him I think I have Scary New Disease.  Now, eMpTy Boy regards himself as the Champion of Earth Logic, and also has been through this before, and will immediately look up New Scary Disease and tell me in his Mister Spock Voice that I probably don’t have it, but if I really think I do, I should go to the doctor.

I’ve mentioned above how difficult it is to get me to a doctor just for routine stuff; the ensuing conversation will revolve around eMpTy Boy harassing me about going to the doctor and me resisting.  Sometimes he wears me down as far as making an actual appointment, but I invariably cancel it. 

When Nurse Mom was still alive, I’d call her and casually ask if she’d heard of it (she always had), and then she would take me to new heights of horror describing some of the effects of New Scary Disease she’d personally seen during her time in acute care. 

By this point I’m a gibbering crazy woman with a very, very thin mask of outward sanity.  Finally I beat off Hypochondria and plead with Earth Logic to say it ain’t so. 

Of course, Earth Logic is not content to simply reassure me – it must instead tick off all the individual reasons it knows I do not have New Scary Disease in order to thoroughly grind the idea to powder and incidentally make me feel like a dumbass for ever believing Hypochondria in the first place.

A long time ago, before I got into this racket, someone told me this was called Intern’s Disease, which made me laugh at the silly interns who didn’t know any better.  Well, har dee har har.  This is only one of the hazards of being an overly imaginative person working in medical records.  There are many, many more.

Like, you know, when you try to tell a non-MT person about something funny that happened at work… if they’re polite their face will become a mask of benign interest and they will laugh uneasily when they think you’ve reached the punchline, which they won’t get.  If they’re not, they’ll just say something like, “Jesus Christ, is work all you ever think about?”

Hence this blog, despite the fact that the world doesn’t really need another MT blog (because most of them are dead boring, sorry kids), and who knows if anyone will even read it!  It’s an outlet, created for my own glorious and 100% selfish pleasure, but I hope other MT people will find it amusing as well. 

Now, however, I must put aside the selfish delight of rambling on without end, and return to the thrill, excitement, and glee of my non-blogging life.

TTFN!

Edited for stupid typo.  L